I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
