Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
