I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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