Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
