his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
