Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
