I think I won the penis lottery.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
