Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
