if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm passing your future prison.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
