Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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