Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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