thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
