oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
