Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
