youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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