Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
