My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
