Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
