Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
