Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
