This house was built for laser tag.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
