I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can you bring me the toilet please
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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