i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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