I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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