I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
