even my farts smell like vagina
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
