either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
