I have demons in me.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
