i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
