every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
time to smoke my breakfast
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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