Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
