SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
