Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
