dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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