Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
