Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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