My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
