you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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