sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
