Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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