life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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