We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
