i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
