guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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