I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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