When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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