We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
