you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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