Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
