apparently the secret to your success is patron
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
