Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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