I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
