Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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