During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
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