3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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